TWILIGHT BLOOPERS!
by Beauty is the Beast
Summary: crazy things that the twilight characters have done, this story has been brought around by my bff's jax doma edyta gabija and most importantly lojane the ultimate twilight fan along with her partner in crime kyra, and i didn't forget you morgan!
1. Chapter 1

Oh so special twilight bloopers!!

Property of doma edyta gabija and lojane and me!!

Stephenie may own twilight, but we own our own jokes!!

One day after school if Jacob went to Con Katz school………

"I'm telling you Bella, Emmett started it!" I yelled for the f'ing 10th time "he pulled a 'your daddy' joke on my dad, he deserved losing his ear!!"

"Whatever, your lucky Carlisle sewed it back on!" Bella said with annoyed expression, leaning on Edward.

I walked over to the Rabbit as they walked to the Volvo.

My claws had unsheathed themselves in my fight with Bella and I was about to reach for the door handle when Ms. Liddizle yelled "heads up Jake!!"

I instinctively reached for the football, catching it in one hand, but also hearing a loud scraping on metal noise.

I turned around slowly, tears already brimming as I looked at my car door.

Five long, deep scars marred the shining metal, my fingerings already healed but covered in blood from the friction.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! NOT MY BABY!!"

I curled up into an unbreakable ball and cried till my eyes were bleeding, though they healed in seconds.

I hate you Ms. Liddizille!!


	2. Chapter 2 carlisle

Thank u Doma and Edyta!!

Carlisle P.O.V.!!

I sat some papers on my desk and sat down… flat on my…pardon my language…butt!

Esme must have gotten me a new chair and not brought it up yet.

Apparently, Rosalie and Emmett had found a new "item" for their "playing".

"Esme. Love!"

She was up in a flash with a new chair.

"Sorry, just put it together."

"Thank you." I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and she departed.

I sat myself down on the leather seat.

I turned expecting to here the chair scrape against the floor, but it slid.

It had wheels!!

I turned; the seat span!

I found my self turning around and around"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

I came to a sudden stop when Bella came to the door; she was looking at some papers.

"Hey Carlisle, I just wanted to know if-"

She stared at me as I stopped mid spin and straitened out my shirt and hair.

"Um, you know…never mind…..EDWARD!" she bellowed out before fainting.

Edward was up the stairs in a flash.

He picked Bella up, came over a picked up the special spinning chair with me on it.

He threw it out my window.

I landed on the tiny island 30 miles from the house.

"I didn't deserve that!" I yelled spitting out leaves.

In the distance I heard Edward chuckle.


	3. ALICE'S SHOPPING BAN

Dear ,

"Alice!! This has gone to far!!" Bella yelled at my poor innocent Alice; then again if you could see the room, you'd see why.

There were shopping bags everywhere.

"I can't help it!" she sobbed "they needed better homes than the ones at the store!!"

"Alice, give me your wallet."

Alice handed it to her.

"You are here by banned from shopping!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!"

I stared at my wallet hoping Bella wouldn't notice me snag it back.

I quickly made my advance on it only to watch it be taken by Edward.

"Sorry Alice. Strict orders from Bella."

Great now she's controlling him!

"Heard that."

Damn.

I raced to my room and grabbed my secret cash stash.

I grabbed it and was about to run out the door when Rosalie blocked it.

"This is too much fun," she said tossing her demon hair over her shoulder.

"It's ok Alice." Jasper said consoling me.

I felt better right away.

Jasper…: D

"Jasper honey, if I give you money and a list would you go bye me things?" I asked seductively.

"Sure" he said winking.

I smiled evilly

"Good! Now this is what I need……."

Where was Jasper with my god damn clothes!

My beautiful, beautiful clothes.

I had begun to drool when Jasper walked in carrying….

A huge stack of books?!

"Where's the stuff I told you to get!!"

"I'm sorry but, Bella called and said you weren't allowed to by things so I went to Borders! "

Steam, began pouring out my ears "YOU IDIOT!!"

Suddenly Aro and the rest of the volturi showed up.

OH Shit………….


	4. ALICE'S BAN CONTINUED

BELLA POV

What the hell were the Volturi doing here!!

"Nobody's perfect, I gotta work it!"

Aro started to sing, the rest of us except Jane covered their ears.

Edward stormed in"What the hell is going on! ...what are the Volturi doing here?"

"We came because Alice here was about to have a physic breakdown. Over shopping?"

"Don't blame me. Everything would be ok if Jasper had bought me the things I told him to!"

Everybody started to bicker really loudly.

"Yeah well your mama's so stupid she sat on the TV and watched the couch!! Stick that in your blood box and suck it!!" Emmett yelled to no one in particular.

I couldn't hear the conversations so Edward translated the things that weren't swearing.

"Well its Alice's fault for shopping all the time I had to ban her from it."

Everyone's gave turned to me.

I nudged Edward.

"Bite me now, if you care about what happens to me." I said nervously.

"I'm not ready for this!" Edward ran away crying tearlessly.

I looked back to everyone, and they all had a look of hate.

"Ah crap!!"

"GET HER!!"

sorry it was short, thank you doma for yet another wonderful idea, luvs joo!!X3


	5. why did edward leave?

During the time that edward left…..

BELLA

"Oh why did Edward leave me…"

EDWARD

"Why did I leave Bella? Why!!!!!! Oh look! Pudding!!!!!!"


	6. if Morgan met Jacob

A good friend of mine named Morgan has a severe obsession with Jacob Black. Let's see what would happen if she met him…….

JACOB POV

"OMG!!!! JACOB BLACK!!!!"

I turned around to see a girl with light brown hair and blue eyes running towards me at top speed, wearing a team Jacob shirt.

"OMG! Love you!!!!!!!!"

"WHOA!!! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

She had begun to unbutton the shirt that my dad forced me to wear in public.

"HELP!!!! RAPE!!!!!!!!"

I struggled as she duck taped my mouth and dragged me back to an apartment.

"MHMHDFFGM!!!!!!"

*TRANSLATION – "HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!"

She giggled "No getting away now my Jacob!"

I squeaked out a finale "MEEP!" before she tossed me into her room.

Sorry any Jacob fans who had a problem with him getting raped by my best friend, butt she insisted, most sorry to you gabs!!!!!


	7. AUTHORS NOTE

CONGRATS TO ALL WHOM ACTUALLY CARE ENOUGH TO REVIEW AND FAVORITE!

I AM OFFICIALLY TAKING REQUESTS NOW!!!!!!

IF YOU HAVE ANY IDEADS PLEAZ MESSAGE ME!!!!

I WILL USE THEM AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!


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